Day 12b --- A day primarily alone

Day 12b  ---   A day primarily alone

We awoke and had a nice relaxing Saturday morning, until about 9:30 when we drove Suzy down to the train station.  She will be gone until Sunday afternoon.  She is visiting her sister in Los Angeles, a short hour or two train ride down the coast.  It's a great way to travel to Los Angeles, relaxing, peaceful, and beautiful.

This morning I did lose a bit more weight which made me feel good of course.  I've been more hungry lately but it's my fault for not consuming more broth.  But that said, it isn't like I'm dying here.  We've all been hungry before.  After a short time we either eat something or we wait and it passes.

I've been really looking forward to eating nuts again.  Kind of random, but they are sounding good these days.

For physical updates:  I've been feeling a bit light headed at times.  This is a first, well at least as often as I am feeling that way recently.  Before it was only once every few days and it usually lasted only a few seconds to a minute at most.  Now it has been two to three times a day.  I really believe that it is the lack of broth and that good nutrition that I get with it.  Also, I have found my lips very dry.  I was at the hair cutter this morning and they actually were burning while I was in the chair.  But again, this is my fault.  I'm just not doing what I am supposed to be doing.

When I drink broth as my main source of liquids, I get nutrition and salt and needless to say fluids that eliminate dehydration.  If I was be a "better patient", I'm sure that I would be doing fine, as I was.

I had a wonderful late afternoon and evening alone.  Just me, and our sweet friend Holly.  She is a very sweet and cute blonde who always greets me with loud barking whenever I come back home. She belongs to our friends Jay and Donna.  Jay is a pastor at the church adjacent our property and we watch her whenever he goes out of town.  She's a sweet dog.

I went for a nice walk on the beach by myself in the late afternoon and took in the sunset.  I felt very comfortable being alone there.  This is a very unusual way for me to feel in such a circumstance.  Usually, I am restless and looking for people with whom I could speak.  Some of you that know me, know this is be very true.  But I was content.  I am changing so much.  My whole attitude has changed so much.  I'm much more mellow and relaxed about things.  Although I am taking only 1/3 the prescribed dosage of my anti-depressants, I feel great.  Actually, I feel far better then when I was on 3 times as much.  It makes no sense at all to assume consider the idea that maybe there is a link to the reduction in meds and how I'm feeling.  I used to be on this dosage back about a year ago and it was unproductive.  I needed a therapeutic dose and this current dose would not work back then.  It's probably obvious, but I believe that it is the elimination of toxins and processed foods, that coupled with a significant reduction in weight.

I have been much colder lately, and it's not just the change in weather.  Even at the house with the heat running, I find that I'm not nearly warm enough.  I'm sure that losing 35 pounds has something to do with it.

Because I was chilly, I made a fire in the fireplace as I would do if Suzy and I were to spend an evening in for the night.  Although I was alone, having all the lights on just seemed too much.  So I dimmed the lights and lit candles as I would if my bride was with me.  I like to make the environment romantic when Suzy and I are alone but I guess that I realized that I like it just for myself.  Holly-the-Dog seemed to like it too as she slept soundly on the love seat nearby.  I watched the news, watched some mindless youtube videos, and searched around on craigslist until it was time for bed.  I have been a bit achey and headachy as well so I wasn't really up for anything more than that.

For the first time, perhaps ever, I am enjoying being alone and not afraid of having to be with myself.  I have disliked myself for so many years.  This is the first time, ever, that I can say that I like the person that I am.  I can't believe the weight of those words.  I have spent my entire life not liking myself, at all. I don't even like to look in the mirror. I take a quick glance to check my hair and then I'm out of there.  I'm sure that at times that I have come across overconfident, but I think that I was over compensating for my poor self-image.  My friend Ray up in North Dakota gave me a book, His Image, My Image years ago.  It discusses this topic of self-image compared to how God sees us.  I could never get far in the book because the pretext is that God loves me and I couldn't really start with that.  I'm not saying that I have it all together.  I'm sure that I have a long way to go.  At least now, I'm pointed in the right direction and moving forward, even if it's slowly.