So yes, I lost a lot of weight....especially considering my frame size. And I'd like to write about that, but I'd also like to write about my recent loss of my dear friend Stewart. He died a few days ago at the far too young age of 29.
Stewart was a joy to all. Well-loved by all who knew him.
Dealing with his loss has been difficult for me, and devastating for other friends and family who have know him for much longer than I have.
I've dealt with a lot of loss. I've lost many, many friends and associates. Far more then most anyone that I know. But to be clear, when I say that I lost them, I'm not saying that they all died, but truthfully, they might as well have. If you have a very dear friend, or even just a good one, and if this friend moves away, changes jobs, jumps on a sailboat to travel the 7 Seas, they are gone. Poof! They are gone and often we don't hear from or see them again. But not as much today with the advent of social media, texting, Snap Chat, Skype, and plain old email. Even the regular cell phone works just fine. We stay in touch, if both sides want to.
But it was different for me growing up. None of those communication methods existed, except a basic home phone. But the problem with the home phone was that to call anyone who was outside of your town was very expensive. Some of you might remember "long distance" charges priced by mileage and time of day. And there was also "local long distance" for calling only a couple of towns over. Hence, keeping in touch became expensive. And it relied on catching people when they were sitting around their house. And since it was expensive and challenging, friendships just died off. Not so different than the "loss" of my dear friend Stewart.
Dealing with his loss has been difficult for me, and devastating for other friends and family who have know him for much longer than I have.
I've dealt with a lot of loss. I've lost many, many friends and associates. Far more then most anyone that I know. But to be clear, when I say that I lost them, I'm not saying that they all died, but truthfully, they might as well have. If you have a very dear friend, or even just a good one, and if this friend moves away, changes jobs, jumps on a sailboat to travel the 7 Seas, they are gone. Poof! They are gone and often we don't hear from or see them again. But not as much today with the advent of social media, texting, Snap Chat, Skype, and plain old email. Even the regular cell phone works just fine. We stay in touch, if both sides want to.
But it was different for me growing up. None of those communication methods existed, except a basic home phone. But the problem with the home phone was that to call anyone who was outside of your town was very expensive. Some of you might remember "long distance" charges priced by mileage and time of day. And there was also "local long distance" for calling only a couple of towns over. Hence, keeping in touch became expensive. And it relied on catching people when they were sitting around their house. And since it was expensive and challenging, friendships just died off. Not so different than the "loss" of my dear friend Stewart.
I say that I've had a lot of loss because as a child, I moved a lot and "lost" a lot of close friends and acquaintances. I "lost" any sense of security. Things familiar just disappeared.
Before preschool, we lived in at least 3 houses...3 that I know of.
Between preschool and 4th grade, we lived in 3 houses all hours apart.
I attended 3 different junior high schools.
I went to 4 high schools.
4 colleges, and 2 grad school.
And I lost a lot of friends, which are the commodity in the pre-18 age group.
I lost activities like sports (in particular hockey). I was really good at hockey having grown up in the Northeast and having started playing by 5 years old. I was really very good. But then just before I started high school, we moved over 3000 miles to San Diego and my parents weren't going to drive me to the rink about a half an hour away. And there it was. Hockey died. It just stopped. The loss of a sport isn't so easy as one might think. But I'm sure there are some that understand.
And it was the loss of everything familiar to me. Although we moved a lot, it was always within a familiar culture in which I knew how to operate. And they were small town with small schools. The town that I lived in before moving to San Diego had 2000 people and 2 ice rinks. My 8th grade graduating class had 20 kids, 10 guys and 10 girls. I "lost" this comfort and moved to the urban sprawl of San Diego and lived in a town with 3 high schools, each bigger than my entire town that we left behind. And the culture was VERY different and way rougher than anything that was familiar. I lost everything that I knew and everything that made me feel secure.
And it was the loss of everything familiar to me. Although we moved a lot, it was always within a familiar culture in which I knew how to operate. And they were small town with small schools. The town that I lived in before moving to San Diego had 2000 people and 2 ice rinks. My 8th grade graduating class had 20 kids, 10 guys and 10 girls. I "lost" this comfort and moved to the urban sprawl of San Diego and lived in a town with 3 high schools, each bigger than my entire town that we left behind. And the culture was VERY different and way rougher than anything that was familiar. I lost everything that I knew and everything that made me feel secure.
And I was really, really, really good a speech and debate competitions having finished at the State level my first year of high school. It was a great group of people and we all became very close as we would practice with each other and regularly travel to weekend tournaments together. And then it too died. We moved 8 hours north to San Francisco area. I went to another school of course, and they didn't have such a group, and they didn't have the friends that I had to leave behind.
I could go on and on (really) listing all of the loss and pain that I experienced while growing up lacking stability. But suffice it to say, that I've had to learn how to deal with it. And learn how to deal with it, I have.
Rather than focusing on the loss, the past, I focus on the joy of what I have in that moment. I know that this might sound a bit Zen, but I mean really to just be genuinely thankful for what I have right now. I appreciate and am thankful for the friends that I have, while I have them.
Recently I traveled to South Jersey for work, about 3000 miles away, and I was gone for 3 months. I actually spend a lot of time on the road as I have an upstart consulting firm that I am building. And when you are a male traveling solo, people tend to be a bit wary to develop relationships, or even talk to you. A guy/guy friendship take a while to develop and most guys are just not all that keen on adding random males to their groups especially if they know that you're not going to be around all that long. Girls...well girls are "super" hesitant to be very friendly, even though I wear a wedding ring and am quick to talk about my dear wife and show people pictures of her. They are just too sure that "something is up with this guy". And then there are couples who tend to be more open to say Hi. And perhaps are happy to engage in conversation at a coffee shop, bar, or whatever but then there's that moment when they leave. None of these groups wants to keep the friendship alive. It's just too weird these days. Even with lots of careful effort, these relationships just die.
Die, death, loss, and lost may sound like strong words but really what difference is the word choice in the end result? We never see them or hear from them again. As crass as it might sound, they might as well be dead as they ceased to exist in my life.
So.... While I'm out to dinner by myself or when I go out for whatever reason, I talk to people, and genuinely have a great time. I enjoy talking with folks that I meet on the street. And being a chatty sort of friendly guy, I find that I really "crave" that social interaction. Or anyone that there is a reason to talk to....at all. And I love the interaction. It's great!! We laugh, we have fun, it's a great night, or 10 minute conversation, but then....they die. They're gone. No more. Poof.
So rather than being sad about this, I'm now thankful that I had them in my life. It starts becoming less of, "I don't have any friends" and "I don't know anybody around here and those that I do get to know, leave" and it becomes more of, "I have all these friends that I get to see all the time". I just don't get to be with them long....but it's long enough to provide joy in my life and hopefully I do the same for them. If I have enjoyed their company for a few minutes and then a bit later I enjoy the company of another person, then "en masse" they become one multi-faceted and multi-faced friend.
So my dear friend Stewart moved away and I'm not going to be able to see him again...just like many other friends that I have. But I'm really thankful that he was my dear friend for the last year.
