Day 4 draft

Day 4 was definitely not a bore.

I was crazy busy.  And I was running low, or low-ish, on broth today.  I had forgotten how much broth I really needed to have on hand pre-made or in the pot and cooking.  I thought that I was cruising along pretty well but it seemed like whenever I looked at my stock of soup, no pun intended, I didn't have is much as I thought that I did. There certainly was "enough" but I didn't feel comfortable believing that I could relax for a bit. I always had enough but there was not always a backup.

So I decided to be proactive. I went to the store and bought a bunch of different types of meats and vegetables. And I found the third crockpot. So armed with as much organic food as I could buy, I went back to the kitchen to start making broths.

One of the questions that I get often is if I mind watching other people eat food when I'm fasting? My wife often worries about this when I have fasted in the past. But the truth is, as long as I'm comfortably full, it makes little difference. I'm sure some people would use it as away to make others painfully aware that they are fasting, but if I'm not hungry, then it's not a concern. The same holds true when making broth. I suppose if I was really hungry and I was cutting up vegetables and cooking meats, the products going into the soups would seem a bit tempting. I try to make sure that I am fully satisfied, with a full stomach, before I even start shopping or assembling food. What is interesting is that although I may not want to consume solid food or at least be okay with not doing so, I want to chew on something. I asked the doctor about chewing gum and he said it was not a good idea even if it was sugar-free. He dissuaded me from consuming anything that might make my body think it was receiving sugar. That seems reasonable and logical. Although I haven't tried it, I've always thought that chewing on some ice would be good. I'm sure my dentist would love that idea :-)

Going to the grocery store was, and is, actually kind of fun. I know that every single thing that I buy will be used to make my own soup broth. I try to stick to organic products because after all, I am doing this to help my body and I might as well get the healthiest products that I can. Besides, making soup is far less expensive than making regular food and certainly many times less expensive then going out to eat. The amount of money I save all alone just on not having beer, and I'm not a big drinker, probably pays for most of my ingredients.

I guess what I learned most yesterday was to be aware of the need to constantly be drinking. The bottom line is to do this, and be comfortable, one needs to plan on drinking something all the time. I always have a glass of water, sparkling water, Ashwaganda tea, some other herbal tea, or broth nearby.  But when I get hungry, it's not just the sipping that will solve the problem. When I find myself "getting" hungry, note that I didn't say when I "am" hungry, I know it's time to consume some broth to be preemptive. And as I mentioned in the other posts, I can't stress enough how important it is to drink the broth very quickly.

As I mentioned earlier, to do this I make sure the broth is warm to lukewarm. This morning I had some that was cold. It wasn't refrigerator cold but it was definitely cold. I think the idea kind of sounded a bit weird but when I drank it, it was really quite nice. I would imagine that it would be especially nice on a hot day. After all, gazpacho is served cold right? I have some in the refrigerator right now and I think I will try to drink it cold rather than warming it up.

So what am I eating right now? I decided to mix it up a bit. It seems like beef and chicken broths are pretty commonplace at this juncture. I was getting a bit played out on these and decided to go rogue. So when I went to the store I bought ingredients for a ham based soup, a sausage based soup, and a bacon based soup. I guess I was in a pork mode :-)  So sorry to mention this to my dear friends in Turkey, or perhaps elsewhere.  My Turkish friends don't seem so comfortable in consuming products that are not available in their country.  I've asked them if they came to America, would want to have bacon.  Some said yes some looked like the idea was just not something that they could do.  But for those of you in other countries, although America is commonly thought of related to guns, the truth is this country is more about bacon.  There is even a fast food restaurant here that for a short while served ice cream with bacon pieces on it....actually, that sounds pretty good right now.

I will put the recipes for these broths in my book, but as a snapshot, I made a ham broth with some onions and carrots, etc. I also made two of my favorites. I made my famous, well it's at least famous in my mind because I think about it a lot, Italian sausage, bell pepper, and onion soup. It is perhaps the simplest soup that I make. Other than some herbs and spices that I add, it's nothing but Italian sausage, bell peppers, and onions. I have to tell you, it is absolutely delicious and takes the least amount of time to make and be ready for consumption. Easy and fast. And the most fun part is that everyone is ready to eat pre-cooked Italian sausage, bell peppers, and onions. They make for a great sandwich. My son, his friend, and Suzy my sweet wife will make quick work of that.  The third soup that I made was a soup that I like to talk about. I call a BLT. It's made with bacon, leaks, and tomatoes. And that is it. Nothing else. It kind of, sort of, tastes like a BLT. Of course it doesn't taste exactly like one most likely because it is not one. But it is sort of along those lines and I find it is really nice in the morning when I wake up and am in the mood for more of a breakfast-y sort of thing.

I made all of these soups at the same time. It was nice to have three soups going simultaneously. And then I had a chicken soup available to me that I was drinking while making these. I had enough of the chicken broth to easily make it through until these three new ones were completed. I took the remainder of the chicken soup and put it into a large plastic water bottle and then put it in the refrigerator.

Today I will be on the road again. And when I get to my destination, there will be no soup waiting for me. So that said, this time I decided to be well-prepared. So I will leave with a decent amount of soup. I'm going to travel with the Italian broth, and the ham broth.  I'll be drinking the cold chicken broth on the way.  And I'll be drinking the BLT before I depart on the 3-4 hour drive.  As I've said before, being prepared is one of the most important things to have a successful fast. At least for me.

By the way, as a statistical update, I've noticed that the readers have significantly increased over the last few days. That cheers me and motivates me. I'm not sure that I really felt like writing this morning but I felt obligated due to the interest of so many people. On that note, please share this where you can. It's kind of a fun story and is certainly something interesting to talk about between you and your friends."Did you hear about this guy who drank nothing but soup broth for 30 days straight?"  Just so you know, if you're jumping into this and haven't read this from the beginning, that is what I did. It helped me immensely with some rather complicated medical issues that I mention towards the beginning of this broth fast and will address in great detail in the book that will be finished by the end of the summer!

Day Five draft

Today is day five of my "renewed" soup broth fast.

I started by day going back and reading some of the first days of my original broth fast. I did not realize in how bad shape I was really in back then. I had forgotten that I used to have night sweats. Oh my gosh, those were horrible. And it was almost every night. 

I also noticed that it was on this day that I got hit with a tremendous set of symptoms that my doctor said were related to many, many years of damage and unhealthy things for my body, this coupled with an unexplainable amount of stress for many years.  Back then, I had a bunch of flu-like symptoms and was running a fever. I have not had anything like this on this fast, but I guess the day isn't over yet. 

I have felt a bit queasy in my stomach this morning. Not something I really was hoping to have to admit. I was kind of hoping this was going to go along pretty well and smoothly since I've already done this basically twice. 

Sadly, I have found myself not really enjoying the broth. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the recipes, and more to do with just me. 

But getting back to reading the posts from the first time that I did this, I am amazed by my commitment. I always said that I made a firm and solid commitment and decided to do this no matter what, but in rereading these, I kind of impressed myself. Literally. :-)  

I thought I would give a bit of an update as to how long I'm going to be doing this. I was hoping to do it for 10 to 15 days. After the first few, each day gets easier. So really the difference between 10 days and 15 is really actually insignificant. It really doesn't take that much effort. Once I'm in the groove, it just works fine. But in trying to schedule this, it seemed like I had just a small window. I thought I would have as much is 15 days available to me. Now I realize that it is just not possible. It truly is not a lack of willpower, it's just a matter of logistics. 

My sweet wife will be on her summer vacation in a couple of days. We immediately leave for a bluegrass festival and will be camping there over the weekend. It just doesn't seem realistic. 

So...I'm going to have to alter my initial plan. I'm not sure if I had shared a timeline with you anyway from when I first started this. 

I've decided I am going to do this for seven days and then I will do my transition of two days. And actually I'm quite ok with this. I don't feel like I'm quitting early. It's all about fitting this into a busy life. Perhaps I should have waited until July 5th which would have been wide open. But it is what it is.  But rather than beating myself up, I'm deciding to celebrate that I'm doing it for a week. 

If you haven't read anything about broth fasts before, or really any type of fasting, the first two days that you finish your fast are critically important from what the doctor and others have told me. You really don't want to mess this up. It's a major problems apparently. 

One dear friend decided to do a seven day fast in honor of is biblical studies about fasting. To celebrate breaking his fast, he met up with some friends at a coffee shop and ordered a big and delicious cinnamon roll. I think it was a cinnamon roll, it might've been a bear claw, but either way that's what he ordered. He said it was quite large and he happily ate every bite. But then he started having some significant intestinal problems soon thereafter. He said he was very uncomfortable and had a number of troublesome symptoms.  It was over a week before he really felt back in the groove. 

I always stress this point when talking with anyone about fasting because it was stressed to me so strongly by Dr. Scott Saunders. 

He instructed me to eat nuts and fruits and vegetables for at least two days after I broke my fast. That is what I did and I had very little, really just about nothing, in the way of issues with regard to my stomach or any other part of my digestive system. And think of it, my fast was for a month. 

I will have to look back, but I think I was able to have lentils as well. But quite honestly, after fasting for a week, 15 days, or 30 days, being able to have solid foods like fruits and nuts is an amazing treat. And it tastes absolutely delicious. Truthfully I am really looking forward to those days.

One last thing, I was talking with a friend today about what I am doing now and about my original 30 day broth fast. I told her that my goal was to improve. Improvement... That has always been my life goal. And it still is a constant goal. 

We can't worry about where we would rate ourselves related to others. We are where we are. We don't need to worry about assigning a grade or number to some area of our life. But to accept our mediocrity and current state is a disappointing way to live. Yes we need to except ourselves as we are. And yes we need to like ourselves. And we don't have to get down on ourselves about our current place in life. We are where we are and if we know we are improving, that should be enough! 

I remember watching Richard Simmons on TV. He had a number of really fat people on his show. But they all seemed pretty happy. And I knew, as did all the other viewers, that these people were actually doing something about it. They were improving! Moreover, I am always impressed when I see fat people out for a jog. They are doing it! They are improving! And I have to say, they are probably putting in more effort than I do. 

There are so many ways that we can improve, not just our physical weight size but also our physical muscular frame, and the way we stand, our posture. And where we are mentally? Are we challenging ourselves? Are we improving with regard to how we handle stressful situations? Are we improving spiritually and emotionally? But I think it's important that we don't get down on ourselves because we see so much room for improvement. It's kind a like I said. We are where we are. And it is unreasonable to address all of these areas simultaneously. But we can work on things. Writing down goals and highlighting a 1 or 2 of subjects improvement, especially with a written plan is huge. Even a sticky note. I took a whiteboard marker and wrote one word on the corner of my rearview mirror. I have posted things that I want to remember to read in the shower.  Whatever will help us improve. 

I have been working on my posture for the last 2 1/2 years. I think for me, part of my poor posture was not having the confidence to stand tall. I also have been working on memorizing peoples names from the first time that I meet them. I have been doing that for two years and although it has been a slow process, I have made significant progress. People even say to me that they are amazed that I remember their name. 

So there you are, I really hope you have enjoyed reading this, and the blog in general. There are my thoughts and reflections from the past, on improvement, and an updated timeframe.

I am continually amazed at how many people read this. And I thank each and everyone of you who has shared this with friends and people whether it be on social media or in direct conversations. 

Thank you!

Day 6 -- Traveling, Tired, and Tremendously Busy

Day 6 of the Broth Fast (for the third time).

 If you are new to this, you might think about going back and reading from the very beginning, but you do what you like. I love you either way :-)

 Day 6 was a busy day for sure! I woke up and had to start packing to drive back to the place where I live, in a cabin in the mountains. I had to pack things up because I probably would not be coming back to the Santa Barbara area for about three weeks or so.   That said, there was certainly a lot to do.  I needed to travel back three hours which ended up being 4 1/2 with traffic. So I had to deal with the broth for traveling.   As you may remember, earlier I did not bring enough broth with me and had a really rough trip.    This time I made sure I was well-prepared. So when I left, I had probably 2 gallons of broth with me.

Once I arrived, I needed to get ready  to set our cabin has an Airbnb rental.  Consequently, I have a lot to do! And to make matters worse, somehow we ended up getting bedbugs. So the linens, all of the clothing, both mattresses, all pillows, and the couch all need to be steam cleaned or laundered in hot water.  So I pick these up and started working on putting the house back together.  It was pretty exhausting to say the least. I was already tired and weak from the broadcast and then having this much work to do sure made things difficult for su it was pretty exhausting to say the least. I was already tired and weak from the broadcast and then having this much work to do sure made things difficult.

 I guess related to the broth fast and the biggest thing that I would say is just that I was tired. At the end of the day I look at what I got accomplished and noticed that I actually was decently productive. I felt like I was dragging but when it was all said and done, I did pretty darn good job.

I was so glad that I have made so much extra dr I was so glad that I have made so much extra broth  before I left Santa Barbara. It was so nice to be able to immediately tap into that. And one thing that I had noticed  was that I was enjoying it when it was cold just as much as when it was hot.   The idea of drinking chicken broth  Who may not sound all that appealing to but I actually liked it. It was kind of nice actually. Refreshing being that it was reallt hot outside, and inside my cabin sans A/C.

 Tomorrow is a big day for me for sure! I am scheduled to take my bus drivers behind the wheel examination.   I don't know what it's like to get this mother is Asian where you live, but out you're in California it's pretty brutal. And to make matters worse, the guy who is doing the testing is the trainer for all of the testers in the state. Is insanely strict! Say a prayer for me :-) I think I'll need it.

 Tomorrow is day seven. I am looking forward to finishing this up and getting ready for a vacation with my sweetheart.  More soon

BOOK by the end of the summer

Note to newbie's:  If you're just joining us, feel free to stick around but you might enjoy the story better if you start at the very beginning.  It reads like a book so it's fun to start with the first post and read each entry.  Here's the link:  Click Here for First Post

For the fans and followers, and for anyone thats new, you might be happy to hear that I'm finishing up the book and I'll have it available before the end of the summer.  And yes, it will have lots of recipes!

As more time goes by and as the blog numbers continue to rise (over 42,00 as of today)...I've realized more and more that what I did was actually quite unusual and a kind of big deal.  I didn't really think of it that way.  But people are blown away when I tell them and I've seen this reaction enough now to see that it was a pretty cool thing.  :-)

Many have asked if I've written a book, been on Oprah, told Dr. Phil, or some random thing like that.  So although I've toyed with the idea of writing a book, and at one point actually decided to do so, I never put in the "action step".

A decision without action is just a fleeting moment of conviction.  So, action I take! And have taken!  I have written a good chunk of the "middle" of the book and have completed most of the introduction.  I think that the intro is actually pretty good, if I do say so myself.

Ok, so you can hold me accountable.  Drop a note, add a comment, put your name on the mailing list or whatever you'd like.  I'd appreciate the encouragement.  My email is mike93108 at gmail.

PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK or TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!  That would be a very nice gift.

Decision-making at 300 pounds

Note to newbie's:  If you're just joining us, feel free to stick around but you might enjoy the story better if you start at the very beginning.  It reads like a book so it's fun to start with the first post and read each entry.  Here's the link:  Click Here for First Post

I have a dear friend, well at the time more of an acquaintance that I met at the restaurant, recently told me that he was motivated by my story. He desperately wanted to lose weight. He weighed over 300 pounds. I mentioned in a past blog-post a 300 pound man yet this was another.  Well, we met for breakfast one morning recently. He and his very lovely friend, who was in perfectly fit condition. Amazingly so. And quite pretty too. 

He was at the end of his rope with his body. He told me about how he couldn't even sit in a chair at a restaurant comfortably.  He pointed to his legs under the table. He couldn't get close enough to the table sitting in a normal position and had to try to fold them toward the outside, perhaps hard to describe but easy to see that he was not comfortable. He said that it was impossible to sit in a booth. He went on to say that he would sweat constantly, that he'd often spill on his shirt because the distance from the plate to his mouth was so great, that things would fall his the fork in transit to his mouth. He told me about never really feeling comfortable. How he had difficulty tying his shoes and the great challenge of cutting his toe nails. He told me that he has to "pick up his stomach and move it over" to access them. He went into details to strongly convey to me that he was miserable. Clearly he wanted me to understand that he was immensely burdened by this weight. 

But he was not alone.  His sweet and lovely lady was with him. Clearly he loved her. And clearly she loved him. But they weren't married. And in truth, his weight was the reason why. She loved him but was afraid to commit because she was convinced that he was going to have a stroke. She said, "he could walk out of this restaurant and take two step and collapse from a stroke."  Clearly this idea gripped her and prevented her from committing to him. They loved each other but it was his weight that prevented their connection. The connection that they clearly both wanted. This is why they asked to meet with me. Not because of my ability to provide any sort of health advice being that I'm not a doctor, but to ask about my story and what it was that I did to lose the weight. They asked if it was difficult and what challenges I faced. He asked me if I felt it would be a good choice for him and I told him that he needed to see Dr. Scott Saunders to be able to answer that question. 

I'm happy to say that he did meet with Dr. Saunders to discuss the 30 Day Broth  Fast. 

He asked me about the decision to start such a radical diet and why and how I succeeded. I told him that it worked for me because I made the decision to do it. Let me rephrase that. I made the decision to "COMPLETE" the fast...not just to start it. 

You see, for me it was about the conviction of the decision. Not the decision to "try". That's not really a decision, trying does not involve much decision making. It says, I'll only sample. I'm not going to commit. More like I'll forgo making a decision until later. And often it means, I'll continue until I don't like it or until I change my mind. It's driven by self-pleasure and not by conviction. 

Conviction is what's missing in modern society and it is missing in the life of the chronically overweight. This is a 2-part of the demon with chronically overweight people. They are driven by a desire to please themselves temporarily, knowing full well that with each bite they are making things worse. These two issues connected to self hatred. 

Wow! That's some heady stuff!!  But after taking over 2 years to consider my past life, my transition, and my new life, this is what I've noticed again and again. Those who are overweight and say that they "can't " lose weight really mean is that they believe they lack the stamina and the self-control. They lack the motivation to lose weight because that would require them to be uncomfortable and not have their desires met. 

This is untrue. They can. I did. I was a mess. And I did it. 

And it's not uncommon to see many of these people, (me), having a poor self-image and not just from being fat. Sometimes the weight comes on first but often enough it's the self-hatred that led them to their current state that fuels this (me). 

Not always, but too often self-hatred is at the root. For some it was years of family members treating them badly. For others it was the inability to forgive oneself. For some it's something else, but all overweight people who aren't satisfied with their current condition can change that, like it really "is"possible to change that. But it's not necessarily easy.  

I'm reminded of when I was a high school teacher. Graduating from high school isn't necessarily easy either. It meant everyday having to go to school. And then everyday having to do homework. And having to constantly pay attention. And it meant rules. You know...it isn't all that easy but it's not all that hard either. 

But what these two have in common (weight loss and graduating) is commitment and conviction. 

So getting back to my 300 pound friend, 339 pounds to be exact, he had to make a decision, and we all make a decision. Do I stay as I am, or do I decide to do something about it. And decision-making is a process. Making-a-decision is an event. So while in the decision-making process, he wisely went to see Dr. Saunders . He did his research. He considered his options. He looked at his motivation. Considered his options. And he met with me as someone who had gone down the path ahead of him. And then....he was left with a decision.  The decision-making process was complete. It was time to decide. 

No decision is a decision. It's a decision to "hold the course", to stay on the same tack. It's a decision. So he left me, texted me, called me, and asked me about a hundred questions. I referred him to Dr. Saunders for many of his questions as I was only able to tell him my story of my road and my battle as it related to my previous condition. And he waited. 

And then I got the text. He sent me a picture of a cutting board, vegetables and a soup on a crockpot. I thought, "Wow, he did it!"  He made the decision. And I fully believed that his decision was based on commitment to "finish", and not to just "start and try". 

I was happy to see him embark on a path that I had walked. And off he ran like a marathon runner, conscientious and calculated. 

How to deal with loss. Loss of weight and loss of friends.

Note to newbie's:  If you're just joining us, feel free to stick around but you might enjoy the story better if you start at the very beginning.  It reads like a book so it's fun to start with the first post and read each entry.  Here's the link:  Click Here for First Post

So yes, I lost a lot of weight....especially considering my frame size.  And I'd like to write about that, but I'd also like to write about my recent loss of my dear friend Stewart.  He died a few days ago at the far too young age of 29.

Stewart was a joy to all.  Well-loved by all who knew him.

Dealing with his loss has been difficult for me, and devastating for other friends and family who have know him for much longer than I have.

I've dealt with a lot of loss.  I've lost many, many friends and associates.  Far more then most anyone that I know.  But to be clear, when I say that I lost them, I'm not saying that they all died, but truthfully, they might as well have.  If you have a very dear friend, or even just a good one, and if this friend moves away, changes jobs, jumps on a sailboat to travel the 7 Seas, they are gone.  Poof!  They are gone and often we don't hear from or see them again.  But not as much today with the advent of social media, texting, Snap Chat, Skype, and plain old email.  Even the regular cell phone works just fine.  We stay in touch, if both sides want to.

But it was different for me growing up.  None of those communication methods existed, except a basic home phone.  But the problem with the home phone was that to call anyone who was outside of your town was very expensive.  Some of you might remember "long distance" charges priced by mileage and time of day.  And there was also "local long distance" for calling only a couple of towns over.  Hence, keeping in touch became expensive.  And it relied on catching people when they were sitting around their house.  And since it was expensive and challenging, friendships just died off.  Not so different than the "loss" of my dear friend Stewart.

I say that I've had a lot of loss because as a child, I moved a lot and "lost" a lot of close friends and acquaintances.  I "lost" any sense of security.  Things familiar just disappeared.  

Before preschool, we lived in at least 3 houses...3 that I know of.  

Between preschool and 4th grade, we lived in 3 houses all hours apart.

I attended 3 different junior high schools.

I went to 4 high schools.

4 colleges, and 2 grad school.

And I lost a lot of friends, which are the commodity in the pre-18 age group.

I lost activities like sports (in particular hockey).  I was really good at hockey having grown up in the Northeast and having started playing by 5 years old.  I was really very good.  But then just before I started high school, we moved over 3000 miles to San Diego and my parents weren't going to drive me to the rink about a half an hour away.  And there it was.  Hockey died.  It just stopped.  The loss of a sport isn't so easy as one might think.  But I'm sure there are some that understand.

And it was the loss of everything familiar to me.  Although we moved a lot, it was always within a familiar culture in which I knew how to operate.  And they were small town with small schools.  The town that I lived in before moving to San Diego had 2000 people and 2 ice rinks.  My 8th grade graduating class had 20 kids, 10 guys and 10 girls.  I "lost" this comfort and moved to the urban sprawl of San Diego and lived in a town with 3 high schools, each bigger than my entire town that we left behind.  And the culture was VERY different and way rougher than anything that was familiar.  I lost everything that I knew and everything that made me feel secure.

And I was really, really, really good a speech and debate competitions having finished at the State level my first year of high school.  It was a great group of people and we all became very close as we would practice with each other and regularly travel to weekend tournaments together.  And then it too died.  We moved 8 hours north to San Francisco area.  I went to another school of course, and they didn't have such a group, and they didn't have the friends that I had to leave behind.  

I could go on and on (really) listing all of the loss and pain that I experienced while growing up lacking stability. But suffice it to say, that I've had to learn how to deal with it. And learn how to deal with it, I have.  

Rather than focusing on the loss, the past, I focus on the joy of what I have in that moment.  I know that this might sound a bit Zen, but I mean really to just be genuinely thankful for what I have right now.  I appreciate and am thankful for the friends that I have, while I have them.

Recently I traveled to South Jersey for work, about 3000 miles away, and I was gone for 3 months.   I actually spend a lot of time on the road as I have an upstart consulting firm that I am building. And when you are a male traveling solo, people tend to be a bit wary to develop relationships, or even talk to you.  A guy/guy friendship take a while to develop and most guys are just not all that keen on adding random males to their groups especially if they know that you're not going to be around all that long.  Girls...well girls are "super" hesitant to be very friendly, even though I wear a wedding ring and am quick to talk about my dear wife and show people pictures of her. They are just too sure that "something is up with this guy".  And then there are couples who tend to be more open to say Hi.  And perhaps are happy to engage in conversation at a coffee shop, bar, or whatever but then there's that moment when they leave. None of these groups wants to keep the friendship alive.  It's just too weird these days.  Even with lots of careful effort, these relationships just die.  

Die, death, loss, and lost may sound like strong words but really what difference is the word choice in the end result?  We never see them or hear from them again.  As crass as it might sound, they might as well be dead as they ceased to exist in my life.

So.... While I'm out to dinner by myself or when I go out for whatever reason, I talk to people, and genuinely have a great time. I enjoy talking with folks that I meet on the street.  And being a chatty sort of friendly guy, I find that I really "crave" that social interaction. Or anyone that there is a reason to talk to....at all.  And I love the interaction.  It's great!! We laugh, we have fun, it's a great night, or 10 minute conversation, but then....they die.  They're gone.  No more.  Poof.

So rather than being sad about this, I'm now thankful that I had them in my life.  It starts becoming less of, "I don't have any friends" and "I don't know anybody around here and those that I do get to know, leave"  and it becomes more of, "I have all these friends that I get to see all the time".  I just don't get to be with them long....but it's long enough to provide joy in my life and hopefully I do the same for them. If I have enjoyed their company for a few minutes and then a bit later I enjoy the company of another person, then "en masse" they become one multi-faceted and multi-faced friend.

So my dear friend Stewart moved away and I'm not going to be able to see him again...just like many other friends that I have.  But I'm really thankful that he was my dear friend for the last year.

Decision and Conviction. Pride and Success.

Note to newbie's:  If you're just joining us, feel free to stick around but you might enjoy the story better if you start at the very beginning.  It reads like a book so it's fun to start with the first post and read each entry.  Here's the link:  Click Here for First Post

As you most likely remember from the last blog post, I was about to have a significantly challenging skin cancer treatment....

I walked into an overly hygienic room that smelled of antiseptic.  There were no pictures on the wall and in the center of the room was a sole procedural chair and a massive pale looking device with a haunting apparatus at the end an articulating arm.

They gave me a pair of protective red lenses and placed a disconcerting, and rather frightening contraption of a machine, uncomfortably close to my face.  With no warning and shockingly fast the machine came to life.  It was a little unnerving to hear what sounded like a nuclear generator starting up in stereo inches from my skin.  That electrical noise went from yawning silence within that sterile and overly white office to a deep and eire VROOOM with a heavy drone of a fan far louder than I would have liked.  It was all that I could hear, like listening to static full volume through a pair of full-sized 1970's headphones.  And the blue light appliance surrounded the forward half of my head.  And yes, it was a bit scary.  I kept my eyes closed as to avoid staring at this soulless machine that held no pity for me.

For the first 30 seconds or so I forgot that they said it would hurt.  I was distracted by the ominous sound and the realization that the treatment had started.  And then it snuck up on me and within the next 30 seconds or so the pain began to build.  Quickly.  I was startled by the speed at which this grew.  It was so fast that it set my heart racing.  And it didn't stop.  It built and seemed to crescendo in about 2 minutes.  I thought to myself, is that it?  It hurt for sure but it wasn't unbearable.  Then I heard a voice yell over the roar of the hateful machine.  "Are you all right?"  And I was.  It was the technician who wisely waited outside the room with the door closed.  She said that she would be back at the 5 minute mark.  Then I was alone again.  Just me and the monster.

I thought the pain had evened off but then it began to build and heighten.  The machine seemed to increase its intensity.  I nervously wondered how much more was yet to come.  And in what seemed like 30 seconds, I heard that voice again, checking on me.  She said, "You're doing great. I'll be back at the 10 minute mark."  Had it already been 5 minutes?  It seemed somewhat shorter than that.  But I thought, gosh, why couldn't she just stay in there with me?  I was sure that it wasn't any safer for her than for the X-ray technician that leaves you on a cold table in a dark room.

And then it hit.  Quickly the burning pain began to intensify.  It felt like sitting in the hot sun on a clear day at the peak of the summer, the day after getting completely fried at the beach.  It seemed illogical to stay here, especially knowing that it was getting worse and more painful.  Then came the needles.  Not literal needles. But the sensation of millions of needles pressing into my face simultaneous.  Like a face sized tattoo gun.  The unyielding sting and burn continued, unrelentingly.

But I was determined.  I was not going to quit.  I knew that as much as it hurt me, it hurt the cancer cells more.  I would survive, and the enemy would not.

The door opened, "Ok, it's been 10 minutes."  At this news, I felt relief...not physical relief but I remembered the doctor saying that after about the 10 minute mark the pain would most likely not increase any more, but neither would it decrease.  The expectation was that it would plateau and continue for the last seven and a half minutes.

I took joy and comfort in this.  Sure it hurt but I could do it, and I had decided to do it for the full 17 1/2 minutes no matter what. And I was doing it.  It was that same feeling that came across me about week two after drinking nothing but broth for half of a month.

You see it is the decision to do something, to make that unwavering commitment to see something through to the end that allows the process to be bearable.  Not that the committed decision would make it easier but it eliminates potential disengagement from the process.  It's about making the full-force committed pledge.  A pledge to oneself.  "I" am going to do this!   I "am" going to do this! Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of one's intentions. And the actions which follow speak louder than the words spoken prior.  Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.  Once this level of decision is made, there is only success.

This is true of a 17 minute blue light skin cancer treatment or of drinking nothing but soup broth for a month.  Decision and conviction.

The last seven minutes went by with emotional comfort.  I did it.  I knew that I would complete this and see it through to the end.  And so with great pride, truly pride, I sat for the last 7 minutes and 30 seconds a little taller in the chair knowing I had stared this menace down.  Face to face we fought and I won. But I won before I walked into the treatment room.  

It's decision, conviction, and commitment that lead to success.

Make your decision.  Know it.  Own it.  Have the internal fortitude to carry it out with conviction.  Keep your commitment.  Know pride.  Know success.