Decision-making at 300 pounds

Note to newbie's:  If you're just joining us, feel free to stick around but you might enjoy the story better if you start at the very beginning.  It reads like a book so it's fun to start with the first post and read each entry.  Here's the link:  Click Here for First Post

I have a dear friend, well at the time more of an acquaintance that I met at the restaurant, recently told me that he was motivated by my story. He desperately wanted to lose weight. He weighed over 300 pounds. I mentioned in a past blog-post a 300 pound man yet this was another.  Well, we met for breakfast one morning recently. He and his very lovely friend, who was in perfectly fit condition. Amazingly so. And quite pretty too. 

He was at the end of his rope with his body. He told me about how he couldn't even sit in a chair at a restaurant comfortably.  He pointed to his legs under the table. He couldn't get close enough to the table sitting in a normal position and had to try to fold them toward the outside, perhaps hard to describe but easy to see that he was not comfortable. He said that it was impossible to sit in a booth. He went on to say that he would sweat constantly, that he'd often spill on his shirt because the distance from the plate to his mouth was so great, that things would fall his the fork in transit to his mouth. He told me about never really feeling comfortable. How he had difficulty tying his shoes and the great challenge of cutting his toe nails. He told me that he has to "pick up his stomach and move it over" to access them. He went into details to strongly convey to me that he was miserable. Clearly he wanted me to understand that he was immensely burdened by this weight. 

But he was not alone.  His sweet and lovely lady was with him. Clearly he loved her. And clearly she loved him. But they weren't married. And in truth, his weight was the reason why. She loved him but was afraid to commit because she was convinced that he was going to have a stroke. She said, "he could walk out of this restaurant and take two step and collapse from a stroke."  Clearly this idea gripped her and prevented her from committing to him. They loved each other but it was his weight that prevented their connection. The connection that they clearly both wanted. This is why they asked to meet with me. Not because of my ability to provide any sort of health advice being that I'm not a doctor, but to ask about my story and what it was that I did to lose the weight. They asked if it was difficult and what challenges I faced. He asked me if I felt it would be a good choice for him and I told him that he needed to see Dr. Scott Saunders to be able to answer that question. 

I'm happy to say that he did meet with Dr. Saunders to discuss the 30 Day Broth  Fast. 

He asked me about the decision to start such a radical diet and why and how I succeeded. I told him that it worked for me because I made the decision to do it. Let me rephrase that. I made the decision to "COMPLETE" the fast...not just to start it. 

You see, for me it was about the conviction of the decision. Not the decision to "try". That's not really a decision, trying does not involve much decision making. It says, I'll only sample. I'm not going to commit. More like I'll forgo making a decision until later. And often it means, I'll continue until I don't like it or until I change my mind. It's driven by self-pleasure and not by conviction. 

Conviction is what's missing in modern society and it is missing in the life of the chronically overweight. This is a 2-part of the demon with chronically overweight people. They are driven by a desire to please themselves temporarily, knowing full well that with each bite they are making things worse. These two issues connected to self hatred. 

Wow! That's some heady stuff!!  But after taking over 2 years to consider my past life, my transition, and my new life, this is what I've noticed again and again. Those who are overweight and say that they "can't " lose weight really mean is that they believe they lack the stamina and the self-control. They lack the motivation to lose weight because that would require them to be uncomfortable and not have their desires met. 

This is untrue. They can. I did. I was a mess. And I did it. 

And it's not uncommon to see many of these people, (me), having a poor self-image and not just from being fat. Sometimes the weight comes on first but often enough it's the self-hatred that led them to their current state that fuels this (me). 

Not always, but too often self-hatred is at the root. For some it was years of family members treating them badly. For others it was the inability to forgive oneself. For some it's something else, but all overweight people who aren't satisfied with their current condition can change that, like it really "is"possible to change that. But it's not necessarily easy.  

I'm reminded of when I was a high school teacher. Graduating from high school isn't necessarily easy either. It meant everyday having to go to school. And then everyday having to do homework. And having to constantly pay attention. And it meant rules. You know...it isn't all that easy but it's not all that hard either. 

But what these two have in common (weight loss and graduating) is commitment and conviction. 

So getting back to my 300 pound friend, 339 pounds to be exact, he had to make a decision, and we all make a decision. Do I stay as I am, or do I decide to do something about it. And decision-making is a process. Making-a-decision is an event. So while in the decision-making process, he wisely went to see Dr. Saunders . He did his research. He considered his options. He looked at his motivation. Considered his options. And he met with me as someone who had gone down the path ahead of him. And then....he was left with a decision.  The decision-making process was complete. It was time to decide. 

No decision is a decision. It's a decision to "hold the course", to stay on the same tack. It's a decision. So he left me, texted me, called me, and asked me about a hundred questions. I referred him to Dr. Saunders for many of his questions as I was only able to tell him my story of my road and my battle as it related to my previous condition. And he waited. 

And then I got the text. He sent me a picture of a cutting board, vegetables and a soup on a crockpot. I thought, "Wow, he did it!"  He made the decision. And I fully believed that his decision was based on commitment to "finish", and not to just "start and try". 

I was happy to see him embark on a path that I had walked. And off he ran like a marathon runner, conscientious and calculated. 

How to deal with loss. Loss of weight and loss of friends.

Note to newbie's:  If you're just joining us, feel free to stick around but you might enjoy the story better if you start at the very beginning.  It reads like a book so it's fun to start with the first post and read each entry.  Here's the link:  Click Here for First Post

So yes, I lost a lot of weight....especially considering my frame size.  And I'd like to write about that, but I'd also like to write about my recent loss of my dear friend Stewart.  He died a few days ago at the far too young age of 29.

Stewart was a joy to all.  Well-loved by all who knew him.

Dealing with his loss has been difficult for me, and devastating for other friends and family who have know him for much longer than I have.

I've dealt with a lot of loss.  I've lost many, many friends and associates.  Far more then most anyone that I know.  But to be clear, when I say that I lost them, I'm not saying that they all died, but truthfully, they might as well have.  If you have a very dear friend, or even just a good one, and if this friend moves away, changes jobs, jumps on a sailboat to travel the 7 Seas, they are gone.  Poof!  They are gone and often we don't hear from or see them again.  But not as much today with the advent of social media, texting, Snap Chat, Skype, and plain old email.  Even the regular cell phone works just fine.  We stay in touch, if both sides want to.

But it was different for me growing up.  None of those communication methods existed, except a basic home phone.  But the problem with the home phone was that to call anyone who was outside of your town was very expensive.  Some of you might remember "long distance" charges priced by mileage and time of day.  And there was also "local long distance" for calling only a couple of towns over.  Hence, keeping in touch became expensive.  And it relied on catching people when they were sitting around their house.  And since it was expensive and challenging, friendships just died off.  Not so different than the "loss" of my dear friend Stewart.

I say that I've had a lot of loss because as a child, I moved a lot and "lost" a lot of close friends and acquaintances.  I "lost" any sense of security.  Things familiar just disappeared.  

Before preschool, we lived in at least 3 houses...3 that I know of.  

Between preschool and 4th grade, we lived in 3 houses all hours apart.

I attended 3 different junior high schools.

I went to 4 high schools.

4 colleges, and 2 grad school.

And I lost a lot of friends, which are the commodity in the pre-18 age group.

I lost activities like sports (in particular hockey).  I was really good at hockey having grown up in the Northeast and having started playing by 5 years old.  I was really very good.  But then just before I started high school, we moved over 3000 miles to San Diego and my parents weren't going to drive me to the rink about a half an hour away.  And there it was.  Hockey died.  It just stopped.  The loss of a sport isn't so easy as one might think.  But I'm sure there are some that understand.

And it was the loss of everything familiar to me.  Although we moved a lot, it was always within a familiar culture in which I knew how to operate.  And they were small town with small schools.  The town that I lived in before moving to San Diego had 2000 people and 2 ice rinks.  My 8th grade graduating class had 20 kids, 10 guys and 10 girls.  I "lost" this comfort and moved to the urban sprawl of San Diego and lived in a town with 3 high schools, each bigger than my entire town that we left behind.  And the culture was VERY different and way rougher than anything that was familiar.  I lost everything that I knew and everything that made me feel secure.

And I was really, really, really good a speech and debate competitions having finished at the State level my first year of high school.  It was a great group of people and we all became very close as we would practice with each other and regularly travel to weekend tournaments together.  And then it too died.  We moved 8 hours north to San Francisco area.  I went to another school of course, and they didn't have such a group, and they didn't have the friends that I had to leave behind.  

I could go on and on (really) listing all of the loss and pain that I experienced while growing up lacking stability. But suffice it to say, that I've had to learn how to deal with it. And learn how to deal with it, I have.  

Rather than focusing on the loss, the past, I focus on the joy of what I have in that moment.  I know that this might sound a bit Zen, but I mean really to just be genuinely thankful for what I have right now.  I appreciate and am thankful for the friends that I have, while I have them.

Recently I traveled to South Jersey for work, about 3000 miles away, and I was gone for 3 months.   I actually spend a lot of time on the road as I have an upstart consulting firm that I am building. And when you are a male traveling solo, people tend to be a bit wary to develop relationships, or even talk to you.  A guy/guy friendship take a while to develop and most guys are just not all that keen on adding random males to their groups especially if they know that you're not going to be around all that long.  Girls...well girls are "super" hesitant to be very friendly, even though I wear a wedding ring and am quick to talk about my dear wife and show people pictures of her. They are just too sure that "something is up with this guy".  And then there are couples who tend to be more open to say Hi.  And perhaps are happy to engage in conversation at a coffee shop, bar, or whatever but then there's that moment when they leave. None of these groups wants to keep the friendship alive.  It's just too weird these days.  Even with lots of careful effort, these relationships just die.  

Die, death, loss, and lost may sound like strong words but really what difference is the word choice in the end result?  We never see them or hear from them again.  As crass as it might sound, they might as well be dead as they ceased to exist in my life.

So.... While I'm out to dinner by myself or when I go out for whatever reason, I talk to people, and genuinely have a great time. I enjoy talking with folks that I meet on the street.  And being a chatty sort of friendly guy, I find that I really "crave" that social interaction. Or anyone that there is a reason to talk to....at all.  And I love the interaction.  It's great!! We laugh, we have fun, it's a great night, or 10 minute conversation, but then....they die.  They're gone.  No more.  Poof.

So rather than being sad about this, I'm now thankful that I had them in my life.  It starts becoming less of, "I don't have any friends" and "I don't know anybody around here and those that I do get to know, leave"  and it becomes more of, "I have all these friends that I get to see all the time".  I just don't get to be with them long....but it's long enough to provide joy in my life and hopefully I do the same for them. If I have enjoyed their company for a few minutes and then a bit later I enjoy the company of another person, then "en masse" they become one multi-faceted and multi-faced friend.

So my dear friend Stewart moved away and I'm not going to be able to see him again...just like many other friends that I have.  But I'm really thankful that he was my dear friend for the last year.